To Catch A Predator
by For Comedic Purposes
Summary: A spoof of To Catch a Predator in which we find out why Jack Frost is so damn yummy. Or not. We might get sidetracked. M for language, I suppose. And bondage. We mustn't forget bondage.


Chris Hansen: This is an investigation into the sexual appeal of the newest Guardian of fun, Jack Frost. For hundreds of years he's been trapped in the body of a boy, bringing winter cheer and snow days for children everywhere. His actions are playful, fun, and innocent. So what makes this boy so alluring, so mouth-watering?

Jack Frost: Urg, what? What the hell?

Chris Hansen: A lot of people seem to find you incredibly tempting in an inappropriate way, Mr. Frost.

Jack Frost: Are you kidding me? I've been wearing the same blue hoodie for decades, I smell like a turd heap by now! Not to mention these pants. I mean, they're _300 hundred year old pants._ There is _nothing_ appealing about 300 year old pants.

Chris Hansen: Apparently these people agree with you because they want them off you, and it's not to do the wash.

Jack Frost: I think I'm going to be sick (rushes into bathroom)

Chris Hansen: And now for our show.

Logo appears on screen with dramatic music in the background.

Chris Hansen: I'm Chris Hansen, and this is To Catch a Predator. Tonight, a look into the sex appeal of the winter sprite, Jack Frost. He has garnered quite a bit of attention over his 300 years of winter shenanigans, and tonight we'll find out what makes him so enticing. We impersonated Mr. Frost on an online chat room and invited some of these predators to our hideout to "chill". There, they were confronted with our camera crew and made to explain themselves. Here are the results.

Predator 1

Pitch: Jaaack, oh Jaaaaaack, I - (Enters room) What… What the hell? What is this?

Chris Hansen: Hi. I'm Chris Hansen from NBC Dateline's To Catch a Predator.

Pitch: Where's Jack?

Chris Hansen: Jack isn't here. Take a seat, Mr. Black. Can you tell us why _you're_ here?

Pitch: (Looks around at the cameras, confused) Me and Jack -who's just a friend -were going to watch some movies. You know. Just some movies. We're going to watch them.

Chris Hansen: Do you mind if I have a look inside your bag, Mr. Black?

Pitch: Uh… (Stares at the bag on his shoulder, then jumps in mock-surprise) Oh! What, er, this is my movie bag. Where I, erm, carry around all my movies…. In a bag… Nothing odd here.

Chris Hansen: (Takes bag, rifles through it) Let's see what you've got. A little bottle of scented oil.

Pitch: My hands gets dry. A lot. Being the boogeyman they… they dry out a lot.

Chris Hansen: A pair of handcuffs

Pitch: Sometimes my nightmares get out of control

Chris Hansen: A packet of zip ties

Pitch: Just in case the handcuffs aren't enough (pause) for my nightmares.

Chris Hansen: One DVD copy of Shrek The Halls

Pitch: It's a great movie.

Chris Hansen: A blindfold

Pitch: It's for the scary bits. Movies can get scary sometimes.

Chris Hansen: Scissors

Pitch: For my nails.

Chris Hansen: A box of condoms, ribbed for her pleasure.

Pitch: Er I've got a hot date later. A date with sssssomeone who's of legal age and -

Chris Hansen: A six-pack of Coors

Pitch: Also for my hot date later.

Chris Hansen: Mr. Black, the police are waiting outside to take you into custody.

Pitch: What, for what? That's ridiculous. I've done absolutely nothing wrong here, okay? Nothing wrong. Jack's been around for only _300 years _you know. I mean, have you heard his voice? Sounds like Chris Pine or something. He sounds like a 30 year old guy, is what I'm saying. You're violating my constitutional rights here. They're being pissed all over -Give me my bag (snatches bag back and shoves all the items back in)

Where's Jack? We need to watch Shrek the Halls. We need to watch it right now.

Chris Hansen: Jack isn't here, Mr. Black. He isn't coming.

Pitch: (Sighs, hangs head) _Fuck._

Predator 2

Tooth: Do-dee-do-do Hey Jack! Jack I- (walks in, sees camera crew) Oh, hello. What's this?

Chris Hansen: Hi, I'm Chris Hansen from NBC Dateline's To Catch a Predator. Would you take a seat, Miss Tooth?

Tooth: That's crazy. I'm not a predator! I'm the tooth fairy! (quirky laugh)

Chris Hansen: Have a seat.

Tooth: Oh, I think I'm okay flying. Because I'm the tooth fairy. Just the tooth fairy. (quirky laugh again) I bring happiness to all the little children! Yep!

Chris Hansen: Miss Tooth, why are you here today?

Tooth: Oh well me and Jack were going to meet up to go play with some of the neighborhood kids. Big rugby fans, you know. Lots of teeth go missing.

Chris Hansen: Was that all you were here for Miss Tooth?

Tooth: Of course that's it (quirky laugh turns into nervous laugh).

Chris Hansen: Miss Tooth, do you mind if I read you an excerpt from your messages to Jack?

Tooth: I, uh, what?

Chris Hansen: These are from eager4urteeth -you -to sexywinterfun13, which is Jack.

Tooth: Oh, god, look -

Chris Hansen: sexywinterfun13 says, "can't wait to meet up for some fun that's gonna be sexy" to which eager4urteeth replies, "oh yeah can't wait. It's gonna be so sexy alright."

Tooth: Uhm, that can't be me, that's so weird! (definite nervous laugh) That's so silly!

Chris Hansen: eager4urteeth continues, "hope you don't mind a warmer climate. Might have to take your clothes off LOL"

Tooth: Uuuuuuuuh….

Chris Hansen: Miss Tooth, can I see your bag?

Tooth: What? No, this is my tooth fairy bag. It's mine. You can't see it.

Chris Hansen: Are you hiding something?

Tooth: No, what, no! It's my tooth bag. Nothing to hide. (reluctantly passes it over)

Chris Hansen: Let's see here. One small bottle of scented oil.

Tooth: My hands get dry all the time, being the tooth fairy. They dry out.

Chris Hansen: Rope.

Tooth: I -I need that. For teeth.

Chris Hansen: A whip

Tooth: Sometimes kids get clingy

Chris Hansen: Another little bottle, this time with chloroform

Tooth: For the kids. When they are… not… asleep.

Chris Hansen: Thunder beads.

Tooth: Ah, oooh they're… relaxing… to touch… with my hands…

Chris Hansen: An open-mouth gag

Tooth: Uh… ooooh…

Chris Hansen: A strap on.

Tooth: Oh _shit._

Chris Hansen: Miss Tooth, the police are waiting outside for you.

Tooth: No, but you don't understand! Jack -he's a drug! _He's a drug, my own personal spider monkey brand of heroin I must have him- _(dragged out of there by the police) _JAAAAAACCCCCCCKKKKKK WHERE ARE YOU_

Predator 3

Jamie: Jack! Jack- (Stumbles into camera) You're not Jack.

Chris Hansen: Hi Mr. Jamie, I'm Chris Hansen with NBC Dateline's To Catch a Predator. Can you -

Jamie: I'm ten years old and I need an adult! Looks like you're the predator here, cuckold! (kicks Chris Hansen in the knee caps and runs off)

Chris Hansen: _Goddamit! _(Goes down)

Predator 4

Chris Hansen: Hi, I'm Chris Hansen with NBC Dateline's To Catch a Predator. Our investigative reports have proven to be inconclusive-

Jack: (Muffled protests are heard in the background)

Chris Hansen: (sweating profusely)-and maybe we were just imagining it all. Now if you'll excuse me, there's some, uh, _thing_ I've got to go take care of now that no one's standing in my way.

END


End file.
